Genesis 34

Posted on December 16, 2009

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Genesis 34

And now for something completely different…

So to recap the last few chapters….

    -    Jacob hosed his brother Esau.

    -    Jacob hosed his brother Esau. (again)

    -    Jacob runs away like a little school girl.

    -    Jacob marries a woman.

    -    Jacob then, seven years later, marries his wife's sister.

    -    Jacob has a ton of kids with his wives.

    -    Jacob also has a ton of kids with one wife's servant.

    -    Jacob also has a ton of kids with the other wife's servant.

    -    Jacob gets sideways with his father-in-law. (frankly who couldn't see that coming…)

    -    Jacob gathers up his wives, and wives servants, and kids, and stuff and runs away like a school girl          again.

    -    Jacob gets ready meet Esau.

    -    Jacob wrestles with God. (and almost wins…)

    -    Jacob is renamed "Israel" by God.

    -    Jacob/Israel sees Esau, the brotehr he hosed, and much to his surprise, does not get whacked in              the head by Esau.

    -    Esau invites Jacob/Israel to the house.

    -    Jacob/Israel says, "go on, i'll catch up to you."

    -    The new name seems to have done no good. Jacob/Israel has no intention of following Esau.

    -    Jacob/Israel goes in a different direction…settles down…and that gets us to chapter 34.

And for those of you (and me) who tend to think that the Bible is a soft, fluffy sheep-like stuffed animal of a storybook, you need to read chapter 34.

Cause here it all goes from PG-13 to R ina heartbeat.

Dinah is one of Jacob's daughters, She is raped by Shechem. And then in an odd twist, Shechem, not long after he has brutally attached Dinah, decides "hmmm….maybe I should have taken her out on a date instead of sexually assaulting her."

So Shechem calls on his daddy to try and get him out of trouble,

"Hey dad…you know what…that Dinah is pretty cute. Go talk to her dad, you know crazy two-sisters-for wives Jacob, and see if we just let bygones be bygones, and see if I can marry Dinah. Go see huh…I'll just stay here."

So Shechem's daddy Hamor went and talked to Jacob. Meanwhile, Dinah's brothers heard  what had happened and as brothers are wont to do, they got a bit steamed. But instead of going all Modern Warfare crazy on Hamor and Schehem, the boys got a plan.

They said to them, "We can't do such a thing; we can't give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us. 15 We will give our consent to you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. 16 Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We'll settle among you and become one people with you. 17 But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we'll take our sister [c] and go." 18 Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. 19 The young man, who was the most honored of all his father's household, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob's daughter.

And not just any plan. They used God's Word as a weapon.

They convinced Shechem and Hamor (and all their buddies) that if they got circumcised everything would be hunky dory, Shechem could marry Dinah, everyone else could intermarry and they would be one big happy family.

So Shechem and the boys all saw Dr. Circ M. Cise and chilled out for a few days to let everything heal.

Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male.

So is this a plan or what???

Sucker they guys in. Get them to have "delicate" surgery. and then as they are incapacitated swoop into town and slaughter them all.

Talk about catching someone with their pants down…

Pretty sure you won't find this story in a Children's Storybook edition of the Bible.

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